Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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