What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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