Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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