His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
