Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
