I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
