I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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