No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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