You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
