I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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