Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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