i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
