my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
