My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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