Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
