Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
