when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
