Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
