Buhtt sex?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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