hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
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i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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