I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
