Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
