It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
