I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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