Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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