The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
