meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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