You just made me feel so damn special
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
