it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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