So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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