My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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