Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
