i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
