I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
