Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
