This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
