My hand turned me down
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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