would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
