I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize