Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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