I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
