Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
