i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
A+ Viking dick
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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