"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
