I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
