oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
