How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
