Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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