When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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