I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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