i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
