That's when you crack a 10am beer
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
