I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
