when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
