I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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