I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
