then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
