There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
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You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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